Adrian Poynton/ Andy White/ Colin Cole
13 November 2005
A night of comedy characterized by the sheer height of all the acts. Normally, we have the regular Matt (front row), who stands at six foot seven but tonight both the compere, Adrian Poynton, and the headline act were gigantic beasts as well!
Poynton bounded on (smashing great holes in the floor with the slabs that he calls feet) and introduced the gig, discussing awkward funerals via “The Family Ness” in a rambling and enjoyable manner.
Brummy and black Andy White (“Wa-hite”, he says, to avoid race-based heckling!) did the twenty minute spot. I’ve seen him several times over the past couple of years and he has become a class act. He has a friendly yet under-stated, almost hypnotic delivery which allows him to flit around quite surreally between subjects but without going too “Eddie Izzard”. His topics included smoking bollocks, hash fairies, directory enquiries (where he worked), Buddhism, and the disturbing sound of Rolf Harris shagging Louis Armstrong. A nice mix, particularly when combined with some newer and more topical stuff on Kate Moss, the French riots, and the police raid on Cuddles’ massage parlour in Brum.
Geordie John Smith has been doing comedy for just a few months and he was one of the best open spots I’ve seen at the Cavern. His minimalist delivery was the perfect accompaniment for well constructed jokes like “As a Geordie I’m racist, sexist, and homophobic… but friendly”. In addition to being a good wordsmith, Smith wove an intriguing picture of his life – having moved to London for a bet (“I lost”) and now living with two prostitutes and next door to a guy who looks like Jaws from James Bond. There is high calibre dark material here (stalking; rejection by a paedophile; hurting his mother) and a really distinctive voice. If he keeps writing stuff like this, he could be great. One of the night’s major high points.
Aussie giant Colin Cole finished up the night, energizing the room with his populist topics and trenchant opinions on drink driving, policemen, and the pointlessness of the butterfly stroke in swimming (“although I suppose the shark might think ‘I’m not eating that retard’). He did a highly entertaining extended piece on airplanes, complete with pilfered gas mask and sick bag, and finished with some stuff on Steve Irwin (“nice guy, shocking babysitter”), “mumblepants”, and the differences between men and women when they throw up.
Heckles
Poynton: I’m very tall…
Heckler 1: … How tall are you?
Poynton: Six foot six. You?
Heckler 1: Six foot seven.
Poynton: So you’ve gone ‘I’ll see your height and I’ll raise you…’. What’s your shoe size?
Heckler 1: Fifteen.
Poynton: Shit! (A beat) This is turning into a ‘Shoe-off’ isn’t it. What else can we have? A “nose-off”?...
Heckler 2: … Piss off!
White: So you’re a Bingo caller.
Bingo caller: Yep.
White: What’s the Bingo number for “dinner for two”?
Bingo caller: 62.
White: (raises eyebrows) 69.
Cole: (Rhetorically) It’s a woman’s world, isn’t it.
Female Heckler: Yes!
Cole: Shut up!
Joke Competition
What’s the difference between Madonna and a chair?
- You can’t use Madonna to hold back lions
- I’ve never played ‘musical Madonnas’
- I don’t have a dead chair in me garage
- Popularity
- A chair can be restored to its former glory
Matthew Alford