Christian Riley/Ben Hurley/Matthew Crosby
18 September 2005
Another very good evening of standup and song here at the Porter. Compere Mark Lucero kicked us off by providing a remarkable array of marketable ideas including: the bacon scented candle, how to catch Bin Laden, and a medicine to combat nob-cheese.
New Zealander Ben Hurley talked about Australia (memorably describing Steve Irwin as “a special little retard”), The Passion of Christ (“apparently the book’s doing very well”), and how to annoy your spouse. Hurley is a confident performer, having toured just about everywhere in the world. He was also decent enough to get back on stage and help Lucero do the caption competition (see below) – a testament to both his natural comedic style and the relaxed nature of the Comedy Cavern (most comedians tend to do their set and then sod off).
Matthew Crosby has only been doing stand-up for a year but he showed great promise in this 10 minute open spot. He told us about his attempts to create Britain’s next rap artist whilst teaching secondary school children (“Kids, what do you do when your bitch is untrue?”), the secrets of passing French oral exams, and his virtual love affair with Brit porn star Cathy Barry. His self-confessed “uncool” manner does not affect his comic timing and ability to interact well with an audience.
Musical comedian Christian Riley is a first rate entertainer and well worth the headline spot. He has the ease and looks of a friendly guitar vocalist, which contrasts well with his dark takes on modern pop music and icons like Status Quo, Cher, and Cold Play (“The only guy more miserable than him is me listening to him”). Riley is still obsessed by the original Star Wars trilogy (“the Old Testament”) and he spends quite some time talking and singing about it. Lots of critics get a bit uptight when comics do Star Wars material but if it’s done well audiences really enjoy it, which is surely the point. Riley also treated us to some of his new, experimental material – so new he was actually reading it aloud from a manky notebook – much of which was really raw, effective, and further exposed a nasty thread to his humour. Riley ended his set with an audience singalong, topping off a top night.
Caption competition
What’s the difference between Kate Moss and a trifle?
- “About four and a half stone”
- “The trifle doesn’t mind if it turns out to be icing sugar”
- “A trifle is topped with cream, followed by a layer of custard, some alcohol soaked jelly and various fruits. Kate Moss isn’t that complicated.”
- “You can’t spit roast a trifle”.
The winners got food, booze, and free entry to Moles Club.
Heckles
Heckler: (Snorts)
Hurley: Did you just snort at me?
Heckler: Just being a man…
Hurley: Ok, just don’t say that to strange men in bars.
Hurley: I broke up with a girlfriend over the phone. Pretty bad.
Heckler: At least it wasn’t by text.
Hurley: Hmmm, yeah… but I reversed the charges.
Riley: Any Travis fans in tonight?
(The cool Porter audience is thoroughly appalled and starts booing.)
Riley: (surprised) Er, yeah… (regaining composure) Actually - fuck ‘em. Yeah, fuck ‘em with a concrete dildo!
Riley: What’s your job, mate?
Heckler: A playworker.
Riley: Oh yeah, what happens when you lose your job – funemployment?!
(audience are surprisingly non-plussed)
Riley: Oh come on! That was sharp!!
Matthew Alford